


don't look away

by sapphpxetry



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, High School, I promise, Internalized Homophobia, Slow Burn, The Wilds, This is so not canon, and, andrew will get out of the way, blatant stupid parent homophobia, gretchen is non existing, homophobia will show up, i can promise that, i guess, i have no idea what to put here, i promise the writing's a lil better, i suck at that, idk read if you want to, idk yet, if that makes sense, im just gonna write what i feel like, im just saying random shit, in the future ??, like the island never happens, might get nsfw ??, only canon thing here are the characters themselves, she's a fucking bitch, shoni will be great, so it may be shit sorry, title and description will be shit, uhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28625982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphpxetry/pseuds/sapphpxetry
Summary: AU - high schoolShelby starts to leave her friends behind. They all prefer her boyfriend anyway, and she's fucking done with him. They're not the only thing she ends up getting out of.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure where the plot is going so you'll have to find out with me lol  
> I'm writing this as I feel works better on the way, I'll try to keep everything coherent and (kinda) well written of course.

She had never understood it. And she still didn't, but her attention at that moment was set on Toni.  
Shelby knew Toni had had a girlfriend for a few months. She'd seen her around with this girl, mostly just at school. Only one time they had run into each other outside of school, on a Sunday; Shelby was walking home with a few of her friends after attending a charity event organized by the church, and her eyes suddenly found Toni across the street, laughing with a girl while she placed her arm over the girl's shoulders. They were ahead of her and going in the opposite direction, so Shelby purposely ignored them until they were already out of sight.  
She didn't understand it. That sense of freedom, the way they were out in the open not caring about the rest of the world. It even slightly bugged her.  
But now, she wasn't annoyed because of Toni. The parking lot of the school emptied as the light hid under the ground. Just a few kids were still hanging around. Shelby's boyfriend was trying to convince the rest of the group to go spend the night at the lake, but she wasn't very interested.  
When was the last time she'd seen Toni with that girl? She couldn't remember. A couple weeks ago, maybe. Shelby didn't even know why she was thinking about this, but Toni was sitting alone on the other side of the parking lot, clearly in a mood. Not that this was at all surprising, Toni was always in a mood. Her constant anger usually confirmed what Shelby thought; you can't really be happy when you're like that. When you refuse to accept help, when you don't consider that change may be good. When you wrap yourself around the wrong idea, and you let yourself keep growing attached to it.  
Shelby felt sorry because she knew she was right; Toni was, once again, suffering on her own. 

—You wanna make a quick stop at home first, princess? —Shelby snapped out of her thoughts, realizing that she hadn't heard a single word of what her friends were talking about. She hated when he called her princess, it made her feel like a pet.  
—Quick stop? Why?  
—To get your bathing suit, a different pair of shoes? What, you're not coming?  
—Oh right, the lake, sorry. Um, actually, I should be home early…  
—It's always the same crap, Shelby! —Their friends went silent. It wasn't the first time Andrew called her out in front of them— What is it this time? What, you gotta do pageant stuff? Study for the history test or read the fucking bible to please daddy?  
Everyone was visibly uncomfortable. Andrew was waiting for an answer, but he knew nothing Shelby said would be right for him. Even if she apologized and praised him, he'd continue yelling in the middle of the parking lot. Or maybe storm off, which was the outcome Shelby was hoping for. He got mad at her so often lately, she was tired of trying to make everything okay and carry all the weight herself.  
Shelby was going to repeat that she needed to go home and tell him she'd go next time, when she noticed Toni had heard. It was just a second, but she caught Toni's eyes on her before they looked away. And that was enough to make her feel incredibly embarrassed. Shelby was used to her friends standing right next to Andrew's fits, and maybe she'd feel annoyed when they tried to give her advice to leave him, because after that little therapy session they'd go right back to laugh at his jokes. However, Toni being there had made it so much worse. Not because it was Toni, of course any other person would've caused the same sick feeling. But she couldn't get that look out of her mind, and she was taking too long to answer, and Andrew was about to go off on her again, and her friends were still standing there saying nothing but thinking about how much they pitied her, and how weak she was, and Toni, she must've thought the same thing, and Shelby couldn't be there anymore. She turned around and started walking home, and heard Andrew get in his car and slam the door shut. She controlled herself so she wouldn't run. That would've looked childish, and she didn't want Toni… No, she didn't want anyone to think so little of her.

-

After closely inspecting both dresses in the mirror, Shelby put them away and got dressed in her usual clothes. The first dress needed a small adjustment on the waist, but she'd get it fixed in the next few days.  
Andrew's texts were piling up on her phone, but she wasn't going to rush to accept his apologies –once again– and apologize back –once again– to make him feel better, as she had always done before. Why would she embarrass herself over and over just to keep him comfortable in his fucking pedestal? Shelby couldn't even recall the last time she'd felt genuinely happy around him. So why would she stay? To look forward to that week's fight so it'd be over with? For his hands to always accidentally cross the line, way too many times for all of them to be truly unintentional?  
She was so sick of him. And she had been, for a while now, but she'd always push it down and she'd never call him out on anything. Not even all the times he called her princess.

It wasn’t on purpose, but she kept thinking about Toni watching while Andrew was screaming at her. Each time the image of the girl looking away a second too late played in her head, Shelby would brush it off and try to cover the thought with another stupid one; the bible verse her father had shared during breakfast, and how it didn’t convince her completely; a mental list of what she needed to get done before the next pageant, including the things she would have to say; the outfit she’d wear the next day for school, and then the thought of ignoring Andrew as much as she could without being blatantly obvious about it –to his poor knowledge, because everybody else would indeed notice–, and she liked the feeling. She decided she’d have her fun with it. Pissed-off Andrew wasn’t gonna bother her anymore, she’d be amused by it. And she thought she’d start the fun looking as attractive as she possibly could be, that would give Toni a real reason to look at her. Shelby felt like a brick had suddenly hit her. She tried to take back that last thought, it was stupid and just... out of context. As if she wasn’t allowed to think that. It didn’t even go with her actual thoughts about Toni, she always wanted to keep a safe distance between the two and had never really even talked to her. She didn’t want Toni to look at her, of course not, she couldn’t care less about what someone who wasn’t even part of her life did. But Shelby found herself overthinking that stupid random thought, and overthinking the situation from earlier and how she felt sorry for Toni, and wondered, in the back of her mind, what had happened with her girl and why she was always in a mood, and why she was alone.  
That was stupid too. She knew perfectly well why Toni was all alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of the story with Becca, however I changed the detail of her father walking in on them. He doesn't find out.

Andrew was gonna be waiting for her, she knew it. He'd be leaning on the wall, arms crossed, looking around until he saw Shelby arriving at school, with his –rehearsed– worst face. She hadn't even opened his texts from last night, not even the ones from their friends.   
She got to school just in time to avoid giving Andrew the chance to get to her. She'd go right in, sit down and be the most focused student ever, not letting herself even look at him. If she did, it'd be like an open door to him; he'd go up to her and start talking in his stressed voice about how fucked up it was that she ignored him, and then go on to the getting mad part, to finally fall to the false apology and "I love you, princess", with a hurt expression. Shelby knew every word of his little speech.  
However, she could look at him for a second, from a certain distance. Her only goal was getting his attention, let him recognize that the situation was dominated and it wasn't by him. And she'd look hot as hell doing it, just to increase his frustration. 

The day worked out as Shelby had expected. As she left school to go home she noticed Andrew trying to go up to her, but she didn’t let him. How long could she keep ignoring him?   
Shelby thought about being straight-forward and finally dumping him, but she considered Andrew might not give up that easily. She didn’t want to put up with him trying to talk to her out of it, pulling stupid attempts to get her back. All she wanted was to leave him behind. It wasn’t even like he actually loved her, he was just comfortable with already having the steady girlfriend. It gave him credibility, he was known for pulling the religious girl. He’d probably told his friends all about everything he’d got her to do, even when it wasn’t true.  
The idea of being finally away from him felt so much like relief. And she wasn’t interested in any other boys, all she cared for was breaking free from that burden. She wasn’t sure at all about keeping her friends either, it wasn’t a real friendship. They were a group mostly because of status, because the families knew each other, and since the parents trusted that all those kids came from good christian families, they were free to do anything they wanted without raising concern. No, Shelby definitely didn’t care about them enough to keep the relationships alive.   
The wish for real friends was setting in her mind. And right next to it, she found the thought of Becca. Shelby froze, letting herself hold on to it for a second. But that was all, just a second; she needed to bury that face deep down again, and stop herself from digging her up. She knew it was hard. But it shouldn’t be, it couldn’t be hard. She couldn’t let herself go there, ever. Becca wasn’t there anymore. If her father had walked in just a second before that day… No, he hadn’t. He hadn’t seen anything. Anyway, there hadn’t really been anything to see. A simple mistake, a random intrusive… something. Not relevant.   
Shelby often found herself thinking about things that weren’t supposed to run through her mind. She wouldn’t admit it, not even to herself, but at some level she knew. Was it possible that it wasn’t just her? Could it be that everyone else had to control their own thoughts constantly? She always avoided thinking about this, about so many things. Things that she had heard from other people, and that said out loud were despicable. That ended up with words like shame, guilt, crazy, alone. Shelby would never explore those thoughts, let them fill her mind freely. Was that the case for everyone?  
And then there was the only wrong little detail of the day. She had looked. Shelby had noticed. And in that second, she felt triumphant. It was taking her much more effort to cover her thoughts lately.   
The phone rang for the second time. Andrew wouldn’t give up, and she was getting tired of it. But it wasn’t the first thing on her mind, although she would’ve preferred it if it was. It was better than what actually was the priority, and it was the priority against her will. She hated herself for not being able to forget about it, she truly did not understand the importance of that small event. It wasn’t important. She didn’t mean anything when she thought about giving Toni a reason to look at her. Why would she expect her to do it then? Why staying aware of her impact on Toni? She didn’t want to have any impact on her! What the fuck was she thinking!


End file.
